Ladies, are you broke, single, and desperate— living paycheck to paycheck with out knowing what the next month will bring? Being a bachelorette is only cute until about 25, then it’s Spinster City. Well, never fear because you, too, can live (a woman’s version of) The American Dream. Around every corner is a handsome Prince who’s just waiting to blow his inheritance on you (in exchange for a little something on the side). It’s so easy and all it takes is a little pimping and primping. Knowing when to put out and when to hold out will serve you well, so follow my advice and you will be living vicariously through someone else’s status in no time!
Fix-Up
Never (ever) leave the house with out having your lips on and your eyebrows drawn. Red lips are a signifier of your sexual availability, so wear it well. Choose garments that flatter your best attribute. If ever in doubt, a push-up bra and low cut top will solve everything— temporarily. Tall and thin? Then try a skirt short enough to catch his eye but long enough to let him know that you mean business and will hold out until he’s sealed the deal. Dresses are also a great investment, but if you absolutely insist on wearing jeans, make sure they are well-fitted…but easy enough to remove.
Some Day My Prince Will Come
Hunting Season has officially started! Ladies let me remind you that this is a competition and there are three floozies to every one street corner on Fifth Avenue, all hunting the same game. For the best results, try lingering in front of your favorite high-end retail store looking helpless. When your potential Prince approaches close enough that you can smell his Armani cologne, this is your cue to strike hard. Give him your best bedroom eyes and reel him in with suggestive body language. Try dropping your keys— especially if you are wearing a mini skirt. Remember, it’s not prostitution if you are exchanging favors for gifts…unless the favor is anal sex…in which you are a filthy whore.
Wild Boar Galore.
Play your card right and your new life could be overflowing with Wild Boar, champagne cocktails, and overpriced panties! Remember, you are only as good as the man you are sleeping with, so aim high and ward away deadbeats. It’s your only hope to move up in this world (unless you go to school, educate yourself, get a job, and make your own money). Diamonds are a girls best friend because “men grow cold as girls grow old” so make sure to get that ice while you still got the goods.
Hobbies: Sex, collecting airline safety instruction cards, and Crossfit
How We Met: I was introduced to Giles and six other Swedes at Carnagie Hall.
Interesting Facts: Although Giles is straight, he has made out with more guys than me. In Sweden, Giles had a sex blog and studied Swedish Massage. Oh yeah— his family also put the “Goodman” in Bergdorf Goodman.
The Date
Intrigued by my dating column, Giles asked if he too could be objectified and take me out for a night. Normally I decline date proposals, but I decided to accept his challenge because he had a Pete Campbell allure about him (“Pete Campbell” bonus points) and I too was intrigued by his online “column.” We met at the fountain in Washington Square Park and took a leisurely stroll. Giles had a full agenda lined up for the evening. Our first destination was Robataya, a festive Japanese restaurant that serves your meal on enormous wooden paddles. I was so excited about the paddles and the promise land of photo opps they would provide, until we arrived and discovered that Robataya doesn’t allow photography (“Photo Restriction” deduction points). In their defense, flashing cameras are a distraction to the sushi chefs who are working with razor-sharp knives. I politely put down my camera—and a glass of Yamazaki—but not before quickly snagging a photo of me kissing a fish.
Kiss A Fish & Make A Wish
Gilesson
Hanging Tough
Well Suited for a Dive Bar
Giles was a bit camera shy but I had just the remedy for that. After dinner we headed to Death and Company for some choice cocktails and to get a little more comfortable. Unfortunately the bar was at capacity, so we needed a plan B. I thought it would be much more fun to have a drink in a total dump since we were all suited-up, so we ducked into a dive bar and ordered mixed drinks (instead of cocktails). The medicine worked almost immediately, as alcohol has a placebo effect. Giles became noticeably more relaxed with my camera —now we were getting somewhere. Being the great story teller he is, Giles shared with me epic tales about a Great-Great Uncle who had “business” with the likes of Fidel Castro and Che Guevara and about a distant cousin who married the crown of Spain. He recounted some wild adventures in Tully, Australia, where he had to choose between a river full of crocodiles or the belligerent locals who wanted to make him and his friends “Squeal like pigs.” So Dangerous…I was captivated.
Elegantly Polishing A Mixed Drink
On The Rocks
Bottoms Up
Later That Night
Things loosened up just in time for our Grand Finale at Casa Mezcal for a little burlesque night cap. By this point we had been walking from the West Village to the East Village and all over the Lower East Side. Normally I love to go for long walks but tonight I wore heels. Giles is considerably shorter than me so I wanted to tower over him by wearing the highest heels I could bear (“Bad Shoe” deduction points). By the time we arrived at Casa Mezcal I was done…walking at least. Giles found me the best seat available so I could relax and enjoy the show and brought me some wine to help alleviate my discomfort (“Chivalry” bonus points). Casa Mezcal was having an off-night as the performers were only so-so at best, but regardless it was still quite a scene of odd balls, suits and liberated tits. The bar was a little drafty so Giles offered me his ($4K) Jacket to keep warm (“Chivalry” bonus points). It was getting late, so we finished our wine, hopped into a cab and called it a night.
Giles & The Crocodiles
Hmmm
The Conclusion
Pros: Is a great story teller, has a Pete Campbell Seductiveness, and is wealthy.
Cons: Is younger, has a Pete Campbell Seductiveness, and is a Trust Fund Kid.
Giles comes from a long line of “Most Eligible Bachelors,” as he was bred to be a Gentlemen and is very experienced in the ways of the world. I am pretty sure his ancestors invented chivalry, because apparently his Great Great Grandfather also invented Love Potion No. 9. Giles’ family is so interesting that there is even a documentary about them and their family business at Bergdorf Goodman. The list could go on and on. He owns so many bragging rights—yet Giles is modest, unpretentious and thoughtful. In addition to the fact that Giles has many tales to tell, he is also well-disciplined in the art of active listening (perhaps this why he is such a great storyteller). Although I’ve been charmed, Giles’ playboy legacy will supersede all other redeeming qualities that would make him a potential catch. However…he is hard to resist.
Hobbies: Punk Rock, Cinema, & Existentialist Poetry.
How We Met: Prince Punk and I struck up an irresistible friendship while he was visiting a mutual friend in NYC.
Fun Facts: Is part Tiger and speaks French, English, Spanish, & Riffian.
The Date
When Prince Punk invited me to spend a weekend in Montreal, I immediately packed my moodiest black dresses, the darkest pair of shades I own, and a tube of red lipstick for a French Invasion Rock ‘n’ Roll Weekend. First on the agenda was the Montreal Jazz Festival, as it was the perfect day for sunning on the lawn and soaking up the culture. Thrilled to be in each others company, neither of us listened to the music but rather spent the entire afternoon enjoying smokes, cracking jokes (that often didn’t translate), and speaking out of turn about our favorite Rock ‘n’ Roll bands. To my surprise, Prince Punk freely admitted to liking Katy Perry and Lady Gaga resulting in a few deductions on his Punk Rock points. Luckily The Prince had a few aces in his hand and rattled-off enough uber hip bands to win back those lost points. He also picked up some “Très Bien!” bonus points when he got down and gave me twenty push-ups on command.
Enjoying a Smoke on the Lawn
Très Bien!
Prince Punk Winning Some Tough Guy Bonus Points
Later That Night…
We hit the dance floor at Blizzart, a swinging Rock ‘n’ Roll club spinning obscure French Yé-yé Pop. Prince Punk made sure that my glass never emptied, my cigarettes stayed lit, and even let me wear his sacred Tiger ring (“Classic Going Steady” bonus points). He was the perfect gentlemen… a real Prince you could say—until “it” happened. Perhaps it was one flash too many from my camera that set him off but something to the effect of “I-don’t-really-look-at-your-photography,” came stumbling out of my Prince Charming’s mouth! In his defense, Prince Punk prefers (French) literature to photography, and one has to appreciate this kind of honesty but damn if that didn’t hurt. Regardless, I was determined to have a good time so I bucked-up, ordered a double-scotch on the rocks, freshened my lipstick and photographed Prince Punk like I never photographed before. I was determined to win him over.
Prince Punk Sporting his Infamous Shades @ Blizzart
Raising Hell with Richard Hell
The Conclusion
Pros: Is a Prince, has excellent style, and speaks with a French accent.
Cons: Is a Punk, he likes Katy Perry, and we are often lost in translation.
Prince Punk is an Existentialist Romantic, who is fiery, witty and unapologetic about his ways. Although he claims to be mingled with Tiger Blood, this Prince also possess the heart of a Lion. Rock ‘n’ Roll and Whiskey nights is something we will always share, however— Prince Punk does not admire my photography and therefore can not truly admire me. Perhaps if I too were Punk Rock AND learned to speak French, I might be cool enough to roll with Prince Punk. Until then… we will always have our night in Montreal.
